So this is me.... sick, once again.  Maybe that's why my thoughts seem so dark and pessimistic right now... At any rate, this is how i feel...and suddenly Natalie Imbruglia popped into my head 'i'm all out of faith, this is how i feel...' ok, enough of that.  Anyway, as i was saying, i've been feeling a little down about relationships as of late, not just the romantic ones, i mean all of them... i feel really isolated and really alone, and the funny thing is, the closer i try to get to someone, the further away i feel.  I think that i'm starting to feel all the stress and all the pressure that's going to be on me in a few months and i'm starting to shut down and go into introversion mode.  I know it's a bad place to be, because i'm not happy that way...i worry about everything and end up accomplishing nothing.  i haven't seen many friends face-to-face in weeks, and i know that it's partially my fault for not contacting anyone but i just feel like i should be doing more with my life right now...working harder, trying to figure out what i want out of my life, saving money... i've been told that i'm too future oriented; that i spend too much time focusing on what could be rather than living in the present moment, but i just can't help it... i can't stop believing that things will get better, that school will be over, that i will find a good job, a home, a car, have a meaningful relationship and a family... 

So when i started this blog i thought i was going to rant about long distance online relationships, but obviously i got sidetracked with the larger picture, but if i may, allow me to say a few words about the subject...

I am currently about 2 months into a long-distance online relationship.  We've never met face to face, though we talk online, on the phone and over webcam, but because of this, i am still quite cautious about the whole situation.  i know that if you're going to be in a relationship, you have to be willing to make the effort, but i just can't throw my heart into it until i'm sure it's going to work for real, face-to-face.  he says he loves me, but i have strong doubts.  can you really love someone you've never met? is that even possible?  or is it just lust or some type of attraction?  sometimes i can tell he wants me to say it back, but i'm not even sure i know what love is anymore... sometimes i run that 1 Corinthians verse through my head, but if you can say that you are 'patient and kind, hopeful and not selfish or rude' with that person, does that mean you love them?  what is true romantic love? to me, you have to be able to see that person, and if someone says they're in love with you, you can see it in their eyes.  this is the reason i have no doubt that i've been loved before, and most likely the reason why i doubt now.  am i doing the right thing by protecting my heart? or am i keeping myself from being happy in this relationship?

If anyone still uses xanga, feedback is appreciated.

hey all! i've just spent an hour or so looking at my old blogs...and laughing, and thinking. why do you ask? because life is funny. life is crazy. and life for me right now...is absolutely insane.  back in 05 i wrote:

"he asked me for a half sheet of paper for the quiz cuz Kregg wouldn't give him one, so of course i did and he was like,"i love you Melissa" ...if only, right?"

 "i also think it's kind of funny that the only guy that hasn't rejected me (although Peter said this was not a rejection, more of a being pulled away) has been Ryan Dill. he has been a better guy friend than i ever could have asked for and i've done nothing to deserve that. he calls me beautiful and says that he'll always have my back and beat anyone down who hurts me."

why didn't i listen to myself? it was like i put the best thing i had on the back burner for lesser guys, guys that didn't care about my feelings, or about me at all.  and i'm so thankful that i got a second chance, to say what i never said. thank God for myspace =b  yes, it may sound lame, but how else am i supposed to communicate with an Army soldier in Germany.   and now i'm being totally honest with him...even if it kills me. being 4,000+ miles away from him is the hardest thing in the world...but i'd wait forever for him. I love him...and this time I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he loves me too. when he said he wondered where our first date would be, i cried. it was like everything came back to me...everything i ever felt came crashing over me like a wave. and i just laughed and cried.... and when i listen to my song, i think of him, because it was about him, everything i wanted to say was in that song. and he knew it. and he told me he had a dream about me before he left for Germany...and he says he would do anything to see me smile...that he wishes he could hear my sweet voice... and under his "who i'd like to meet" it no longer says "someone nothing like me." it says "i've already met her. i just miss her." and i love him so much... and i can't wait to see him again.

"Far Away" by Nickelback

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I'll forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go